Sarah: Character Analysis

Name: Sarah

Occupation: Student JC2

Aim: Pursue a career in medicine.

Background: I was born into a very poor family, and as if two children weren’t enough, my mother had three more after me. My elder brother could not give a crap about working or providing for the family. I think it runs within the family because my father ran away from the family 8 years ago because he could not take the ‘pressure’. MY younger siblings are the least bothered with helping out at home, and seem to place my brother and father on pedestals as their role models. Very soon, I expect that they will be kicked out of school because they are just too rebellious and refuse to study. I tried to bring them up the right way, but tell me, how a teenager like me can raise three children in addition for having to provide for the home and take care of it too. I don’t have a mother, but in place of it I have a new sister, a very cynical, whiney, moody and lazy one at that! All my ‘mother’ does all day is sit and laze around at home. I try to get her jobs, but the next day she tells me that she’s been kicked out or that she just didn’t like it there! You think I like my life? NO! This is precisely why I ended it.

Personality: Surprisingly I’m not the angry rebellious type that some people would expect. I do get angry, but I keep it all inside me because it really would not make a difference if I voiced it out because no one gives a damn. I’m just too tired to be angry really. To tired to feel anything and too tired to do anything to make a change because I have tried so many times and failed over and over again.

Why I killed myself: My “A” level examinations were right around the corner and I was trying really hard to do well and try to secure a scholarship to go on to university. Just a few days before they began, my younger siblings contracted hand foot and mouth disease. We had no money for a doctor so I had to stay by their side night and day to monitor their situation and to try out every possible method I knew to cure them. Mother was busy at ‘work’, or at least that is what she claimed to be doing, and my brother decided that he needed money more desperately than I did, and so robbed me .LITERALLY! That was IT! There was no way I could get a scholarship, no way that I could get a loan, no way that I could manage to pay for university, and no one I could talk or scream to. It was like I was a robot that no one cared about as long I performed my functions. I didn’t know what I had left to live for because I had no future. I didn’t want to grow up a bitter woman; neither did I want to grow up in that dump of a house with my so called ‘family’. Death seemed like the most welcoming option.

Why I chose to hang myself: Its really quite simple- I didn’t have money to buy pills or drugs, and I didn’t want to slit my wrists or cut myself because I don’t really welcome the sight of blood. Moreover, hanging is a 100% way of dying because there is almost no way of it failing on you. So there it is…

What I regret: Acting impulsively. I should have rationalized the situation and thought of the pros and cons and the other possible options I had besides killing myself. I was just too overwhelmed with emotions that I could not think straight!
I regret not being able to fulfill the destiny that I had planned out for myself. I never reached the goal that I had worked my whole life to achieve. I was a failure, just like my mother and siblings. I was one of them and that disgusts me!

How do you show this regret?
My neck is a painful reminder of the stupid irrational mistake that I made. I can’t move it as I did before; I’m no longer in control. That’s a very odd position for me to be in and I’m still trying to get used to this handicap.

Do I get over my regret and move on?
No. I haven’t had the time to think about it. Yes, I still have the science student mind of rationalization, so every decision that I make must make sense. On one hand I do want to live again because I loved life, and who knows maybe this time ill get a better family! But I think at this point I’m just too scared of the unknown future, too scared to live again because the past and the mistakes that came along with it are just too fresh. I need more time to think, more time to lay out my options, and I think most importantly, I need time to heal the wounds that I came into purgatory with.