GUAKAWAKAWEENA'S RE-analysis

Name: GUAKAWAKAWEENA
Ambition: Famous Painter
Occupation: ARTS student
How did you die: i chopped off my right hand and i bleed to death
Family r/ship: Not supportive mom and dad. no siblings. i was a lonely person who had no one to talk to and no one to get advice from. i thought the world was bleak, cause my parents refused to talk or give me money to further my dream.
Friends: people around me always thought i was an oddball so i guess they kept a distance and i had not immediate close friends. the person i loved most, who encouraged me in my dreams was my grandmother, but she died 2 weeks before i did. i guess after her support ended, i also had nothing to live for.
Personality: i want to catch people's attention so naturally, i'm a loud person. i like to emulate artsy people who are flamboyant in their speaking and mannerism. also, i try to get along with everyone so i can have more friends. i keep my feelings to myself and i don't like to confide in people, yes, i know, trust issues. i like to explode because of all the suppressed emotions.

What exactly do you regret?

1) Killing myself. it was not my intention to kill myself when i cut off my hand, i just wanted to get rid of the one thing that constantly hounds at me and makes me feel inferior and insignificant. i bled to death before i knew it.
2) My dream was to be a famous painter and have all my artwork published in recognised museums all over the world. in my quest for this however, i was faced with many obstacles, my parents and friends were adamant that i go to the science stream as they thought they'll be a better future for me there. as a result, i had no support for my aspirations and people all around me were pressuring me to quit something i loved a lot. i coundn't handle the stress and all the rejection letters sent to me i killed myself. i regret that i had not pesevered and lived to see my goals achieved.

How do you show this regret?

Physicality- Missing right arm. When i move my right arm, i am overcome with pain, a constant reminder of what i was missing. i forget at times that my right hand is gone and numerous attempts were made to paint and do normal and daily stuff with my right hand, to comic failure. as a result, i am forced to stumble/fumble around with my left hand. my painting is also now ugly and i feel angry at myself all the time.

Object- A special paintbrush that i keep with me at all times to remind me of all the things that i had miss because of my foolish deed.

Character- Outgoing facade to hide the anger at myself for doing somwthing that i will regret forever. i seem to hate living because it reminds me of all the things i had forgone.

What is your realization? What triggers it?

I guess all the time i spend in purgatory has made me think about my actions and how i could have done something better, instead of killikng myself. however, i don't want to move on because i'm scared that i will still be deformed, that i can't paint, i'm sacred of life and i don't want to live again, the anger is still there, as well as the hunger, which i can't seem to satisfy.

The trigger is baby and sarah. i had scared baby of life but the way that baby is so determined to live is something that touched my heart. i considered living again too, or moving on. When Sarah came, i did was instantly reminded of myself, because we are so close in age. i come to realise that you know, i did have a choice, i don't want to live here forever, not being, not satisfied, not full. a bad life is better than a screwed up death.

What is this new thing that you want?

I want to live again. i want to be able to paint, i want to be full.

How are you going to get it?

Take a leap of faith, stop staying here, in limbo. Follow where Death takes me and hope to GOD i remeber my mistakles so i don't make them again.

What are the changes you undergo after this realization?

i guess the determination and courage to seek the unknown, to move on. i am not weight down and scared of my disability anymore. i embrace it and hope for the best. i also am not so fake happy anymore because now i have a purpose, a direction in life. i hope to convince the rest of them to move on too. not stay here and remain hungry.

Do you get rid of your handicap? How? What is your handicap?

Not being able to use my right hand. i guess after all this, i have come not to hate it, maybe to see it as a scar that i would proudly wear, embrace the fatc that i cannot use it again. it does not heal when i'm in purgatory though, i hope in my new life, or wherever i'm going, i will remember and appreaciate my hand and go for my dreams, be it with support or not. it is important to believe in myself and persevere.

Can you make you handicap more grotesque?
Yes. Blood veins all around my amputated arm, with blood spilling out of it whenever i try to move it. because i lost a lot of blood, also, my face can be sheet white and pale to the point of ghostly.