Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Random ideas- Priscilla

A couple of ideas and questions that were an after thought to the discussion on the 26th March (most to do with script)-

- We have totally forgotten about our handicaps. Do we want to do more with them?
- Scene with Gwak+Death+Baby- Bring in the topics of sex, violence, dehumanization, selfshiness, etc. Push it. Showcase the worst in the world!
- When Mug is speaking to Sarah about the need for wisdom. Want him to ramble out some statistics on it. Informs the audience of how alarmingly they are increasing+Parallel to Mug's character of being the all knowing.
- Can Baby push MORE PRESSURE on MC with her seemingly innocent questions. Obv she wont realize she is causing immense hurt and pain to MC. I want to see MC breakdown. Extreme emotion needed!
- Need to add more stuff into Baby's script that has to do with technology if that is the topic that she will be exploring.
- Sarah and Mug scene. Not enough is being said about the fight between the east and the west. Need more! A solution will have to be formed since Mug's Qn is- What makes the West more powerful.
-Priscilla

Homework due 4th April

HOME WORK-
1) Info about the time period you come from- significant events, location, food, culture, style, 'in' things, 'hot topics of duscussion'. Do the Stanislavski BEFORE STORY thing.
2) What role do you play in that society?- unwanted artist/ disgraced outcast (MC)/ unwanted child (Baby)?
3) How do the issues you deal with then relate to modern day society TODAY. Does the current society still practise the same segregation (If any)?
4)What is the irony that will be seen in your character (if any)? How will you show this?
5) Go through the script and check to see-
(i) There is a constant type of voice for your character- Eg- Eng E Shen's voice
(ii) IS your characters realization caused directly/indirectly by Sarah? (It has to be)
(iii) Do you manage to tackle and unearth the mystery of life your character is dealing with?
(iv) Check if regret is seen in ALL the scenes you are in (Make sure its not too obviously stated)

REHEARSAL SCHEDULE-
Monday- 6 to 830
Wednesday- 730 to 9 (This will depend of whether we need an extra rehearsal slot or not)
Thursday- 6 to 830
Friday- In BB- PURE rehearsal with lights, sound and set movement. -Juniors will be called down.

Vsevolod Meyerhold

Vsevolod Meyerhold By Jonathan Pitches - Esp Lib 792.0233092PIT

• He didn’t want his audience to focus their ‘eyes on the finish’, but instead to engage in the material of the production in a consciously enquiring manner. (Much like Brecht) [3]
• He filled his productions with self-conscious theatricalities, arranging the order of scenes in such a way that they might collide against one another rather than seamlessly fuse together. [3]
• One of his experiments involved a symbolist approach : to enhance the imaginative input of the spectator by making strange the actor’s body and voice and placing them in a darkened, non-specific theatrical environment. [11]
• Another means of expression included timeless costume design which aimed to capture the essence of the character and an unrealistic set that would break the natural perspective for the audience and the stage space itself being distorted, flattened…[14]
• A writer who greatly influenced Vladimir was Alek Sandr Blok. The aspects that he (Vla) liked- Blok does not allow his characters to get caught up in predictable theatrical situations. The characters that he created in his work exhibited a refreshing sense of self-irony and are capable of making huge emotional shifts. (Drew inspiration from the popular theatre) [18]
• Blok was also inspired by Commedia Dell’arte. Here are a couple things about it that I think we can use [19]-
(a) CDA uses conventional physical language instantly recognizable to the audience (Thinking of using this for Gwak’s arty character)
(b) It played outwards, making direct connection with its spectators.
• What Meyehold thought was significant in CDA [19]-
(a) It placed more emphasis on the physical craft of the actor.
(b) It established a different relationship between the actor and the text, empowering the performer to grab the audience attention through their own improvisatory skill.
(c) The commedia characters were types and were therefore not bound by Stans psychological laws. People were not asked to believe in them. Instead, they were seen for what they were, fictional dramatic creations fulfilling a function within the overall piece.
(d) It captured the spirit of surprise. Rather than the slow build up of tension, the production could undergo sharp changes in atmosphere and collision of ideas and of styles, all of which were designed to keep the audience alert and responsive.
• MH wanted his audience to react and respond- a divided and debating audience was his aim. A starkly self-conscious theatricality (meta-theatricality) [20]
• A tendency of MH work was to synthesize the ancient and modern (Eg- CDA with contemporary playwrights), an approach begun at Dramatichesky Theatre. [25]
• Biometrics (introduced by Meyerhold) is an objective system, focusing on the external apparatus of the actor and designed to create a responsive, efficient and productive actor. It was aimed at communicating its message efficiently, without waste and to specification. (Similar to Constructivism). [33] {It involved the theatre being operated as a factor, where each person was given specific tasks to complete within a deadline, thus helping the process to move on smoothly with “factory like efficiency”. However the way in which these tasks were conducted by the actors was with the same fluidity and playfulness of commedia.}
• 7 things MH did not like about Naturalism [48]-
(a) The emphasis on trivial details
(b) It leaves nothing to be imagined.- The overwhelming attention to detail in Naturalism denied the spectators their most significant right in the theatre-to imagine. [49]
(c) The actors rely on facial expressions not physical works.
(d) It results in the actors merely illustrating the playwright’s words.
(e) The natural rhythm of the play is lost in the process of textual analysis.
(f) The naturalistic aim of ‘reproducing life on stage’ is itself absurd.
• Meyerhold wanted the audience to be co-creators in making of the drama. [49]
• He searched for the rhythm of the language, in the design and in the progression of the scene.[49]

STYLISATION

• The three steps taken towards stylization [52]-
1) To simplify and reduce something down to find it’s essence.
2) To extend the range of expression used
3) To pay particular attention to the question of rhythm.
• 7 things MH liked about ST [52]-
(a) The emphasis is on the actor, working with minimal props and scenery.
(b) The spectator is compelled to use their imagination
(c) The actors rely on physical plasticity and expression.
(d) The words of the playwright may be transformed by the director.
(e) Rhythm becomes the uppermost in the director’s and the spectator’s minds.
(f) The look of the work is carefully constructed, like painting a picture.
This meant that one has free reign with the text, but you need to communicate the essence of the scene. You can reduce the technical requirements to the absolute minimum.

RHYTHM AND MUSIC
• He was not afraid of giving his audience conflicting messages and used the clash of music and action to keep them alert and consciously engaged in the performance.
• There was a central Rhythm that he used in his training that could be divided into three parts [55]-
1) Otkaz- refusal- describes the preparation an actor makes before any actual action.
2) Posil’- the verb to send- is the action itself.
3) Tochka- makes the end point of a cycle of action. It can be seen as an epilogue which suggests a new start.
• Why define such rhythms for the actor? [55]
1) It gives form and structure to everything you do on stage.
2) It makes explicit any rhythmic choices you might make on stage.
3) It gives freedom within a defined set of boundaries.
4) It establishes a language to be sued between actors and with the director.
5) It makes you think in musical terms from the outset.
• When these three part actions are taking place, other characters respond to the rhythm of the main defining character movements, creating a strong sense of ensemble. [57]

THE MASK
• A mask to him could be created by makeup, hairstyle, facial expressions or any other technique which defines a character in terms of its external characteristic. [58]
• To him the mask was seen as an overarching metaphor for the type of work he wanted to create- a stylized, external, non-psychological, popular theatre. [58]
• What he loved about the mask [59]-
(a) Being able to represent two opposing forces within the same character.
(b) Capacity to fuse past and present in one object- The intrinsic power of the mask to live in the memory and in the moment at the same time. It was MH way of marrying tradition with innovation.
(c) The mask forces the actor to externalize his means of communication- to use the body
(d) The mask demands a particular relationship of the actor with the audience- a direct, full-frontal playing style. It is non-naturalistic; a stylized formed that demands an audience to imagine.
• MH asked actors to seek out contradictions, the contrasts, the conflicts in your character, then illustrate those differences in physical terms. Contrast your character from the outside in, scoring their progress through the play in discrete 'turns' or events. [60]

The Grotesque- Isn’t something mysterious, Its simply a theatrical style which plays with sharp contradictions and produces a constant shift in the planes of perception. (Gladkov 1997:142) [61]

 It mixes opposites: tragedy and comedy, life And death, beauty and ugliness.
 It celebrates incongruities
 It challenges our perceptions.
 It naturally mischievous, even satirical.
 It borrows from different sources.
 It always has a touch of the diabolical, the devil’s influence.
 It stretches the natural to the extent that it becomes unnatural or stylized.
 It reveals in fantasy and mystery
 It is constantly transforming things: objects, figures, landscapes and atmospheres.

Aleksandr Blok (Director)- Plays were lively, playful and extravagant based on love triangles. In his plays. One is not sure whether to laugh or cry. He is clearly not afraid of collisions, transformations and surprises.
E.T.A Hoffmann (Writer)- A character in one of his plays has an emotional reaction that is caught between two extremes, pleasure and pain, between the dark rocks and the glittering white maidens (set).

BIOMECHANICS
Influences [68] -
1) Commedia dell’arte- He used exercises called ‘antics appropriate to the theatre’. These were skills involving acrobatics, the p0lay with props, engaging the audience and physicalising a scenario.
2) 1) Musical reading- HE concentrated a lot on the rhythmic aspects of the text and tried to transform that into performance.
3) 3) Movement on stage- He believed that “Movement is the most powerful means of theatrical expression.’

Industrial influences-
 Utilized the words ‘efficiency’, ‘productivity’ and ‘collectivity’.
 It involved cutting down on the many separate actions or tasks that made up a simple job so that it will not take longer that absolutely necessary to perform.
 IT was either down by (i) rationalizing the job itself or (ii) speeding up the individual action by performing them with more efficiency.

Psychological influences-
 He believed in Pavlov’s theories of reflexology: a theory of the, kind based on the premise that we can only understand what we can objectively measure, that is, physical process, not subjective moods.
 It implied that we don’t make choices, we simply respond to things outside of us.
 The theory suggested that these reflexes join together in .long chains of actions and reactions- a kind of domino line of reflexes which, at the largest scale, constitutes out very existence.
 HE maintained that emotion does not come from the inner workings of the mind but from outside stimulus, from ‘physical positions and situation’. Emotion is, in effect, a reflex. (BOAL’S EXERCISES- The 3 Haunting Voices!)
 Its emphasis lay on the external, material aspects of life.

All the influences resulted in the following ideas- the physical dexterity and playfulness of the popular theatre, including commedia; presenting the essence of a story in a short physical performance; dividing up an action into a number of efficiently performed tasks; and connecting those tasks in a long chain of reflexes.

THEAORY OF MONTAGE-
 An episodic structure to the overall production.- Against Stan, supports stylization
(Little write up on Stylization- Symbolism's contestation of realism gave rise to an era of "isms," during which the aesthetics of dramatic art assumed a new social and political significance. Such "isms" became, in time, used consciously as stylization in new dramatic formats. Such antirealistic theatre does not discard reality but enhances it with symbol and metaphor, elucidates parable and allegory, deconstructs and reconstructs subjects through language, scenery, and lighting, and finally uses the theatre's own theatricality explicitly. Briefly examining eleven of these movements makes the diverse qualities and perspectives within antirealistic theatre apparent. From the emotional and "irrational" perspectives of Theatre of Cruelty to the rational and thought-provoking nature of Intellectual Comedy, pre-World War II antirealistic approaches such as Expressionism, Theatricalism, and the French Avant-Garde challenged and extended the limits of theatrical art. Through redefining the importance and function of language, extending the concept of character to include abstract forces or archetypes, reconstructing stage imagery through metaphoric scenery and lighting, and exploring themes often tinged with anxiety, such isms and stylizations have created much of the theatrical language used on today's stages. - http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0767430077/student_view0/chapter8/)

 Carefully directed juxtaposing of the episodes to maximize the ‘explosive’ effect.
 Surprises, collisions, incongruities.- mixing of opposites- grotesque
 Pronounced and varying rhythms emerging from the overall montage.
 A thinking audience, putting together the meaning for itself.
 The possibility of two or more parallel storylines.
 A clear sense of theatricality, of being aware of the joins on the montage.

Underlying Principles of Production-

 Be bold with your vision of the production,.
 Research around the text, using as many different and related sources as possible.
 Make connections between the context pf the play and conditions topday.
 Be prepared to adapt the text to meet the needs or desires of your company.
 Intergrate your training into your performance work.

The Government Inspector- Directed by Meyerhold
 His episodes fragmented gradual rhythmic development, creating instead a series of shorter ‘this’ or shocks. Coupled with the use of multiple locations, the result of this kind of editing was to develop a more fluid and associative feel. [92]
 The biomechanical actor has to ‘make movement’ and imbue it with a sense of musicality. In Meyerhold’s own words: ‘The actor must know how to act “with the music” not “to the music” [97]
 The characters must not be caricatured, ‘exaggerated or hackneyed’. Instead, the parts must be played modestly an sincerely with the actor looking to ‘common mankind’ for a model. [88]
 Meyerhold’s directorial score, his rhythmic orchestration of the activities of his cast, worked to reveal the themes pf the episode and to determine its tragicomic genre. It was essentially operatic approach with movement, sound and speech all playing their part in the creation of meaning.
 Design- The ‘rhythm’ of the episodic structure had in some way to be translated into the design so that the audience could appreciate the play in its new format. Meyehold’s answer was called ‘kinetic staging’. It was a ‘moving stage’. The scenery was turned around between scenes
 Aspects of Biometrics that were seen in his actors-
(i) rhythms of the actors
(ii) discipline of the ensemble
(iii) constant surprises
(iv) gestural patterns of the performers
(v) dance-like quality of the action
(vi) extensive ‘play with props’
(vii) conscious attention to external form
(viii) responsiveness of the actors.
-Priscilla Jamir

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Research- Robert Lepage

Just a couple of interesting facts about this guy i read up on. Take a look at it and see if you want to explore or impliments any of his techniques. The stuff underlined are what is most relevant to our play. Please ignore the numbers at the end of every point.

NOTES ON ROBERT LEPAGE

-He proposed that meaning in the theatre is found in the relationship between every element of theatre production, not just the text or the actor.
-“A performance is not a fixed form, but alive…expecting and ready to integrate, to reflect audience response”
-His theater is found dramaturgy of visual images and actors performiatinity through which he wants to achieve global communication that will not be inhibited by the audience’s ability to understand the productions verbal language.
-All of his stories sit at the local and global. Cultural intersection, where the personal is confronted with outside perceptions [5]
-Replacing text and verbal language with a concrete language of the stage is central to his theatricality.
-Was largely influenced by Le Coq [9]
-His work was characterized by the mixing of media and digital technology in his theatre. [19]
-He makes use and references to various cultures, viewing them like a tourist would [32]
-He sometimes used Butoh, Noh or Bunraku wherever he saw fit. [34+35]
-He has no fixed directing style or steps to create a performance. [27]
-In his productions, the end is never defined and no steps are taken to reach it. Instead, he wants the production to discover its own goals through the rehearsal processes. [28]
-Plays a lot with numbers as symbols. [46]
-His theatre is fundamentally about finding ways to tell storied to the audience that does understand your language. [47]
-Purpose of technical aspects he included in his performances was to serve as a unifying factor to tell stories that bring people together. [47]

What interested me about this guy was his use for all sorts of theatrical techniques according to the necessity of his production. In addition, his dependency of the technical aspects may be something that we should be look towards. Do we really want to go as far as making sure those elements unite the play together and help to bring out its message?

Stuff that OBV doesn’t work for us-
- His lack of dependency of language.
- Messages that mainly deal with culture and various perspectives of it (We could explore this)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Meeting 11th March 2010

Location: Bbox
Time: 1pm-2.30pm
Agenda: Mindmap / Group proposal (?)
Attendance: Full. Melvyn left earlier.

It's all in the mindmap below:

Click on image to enlarge and see clearly.

Next meeting on SATURDAY 13th March, 8.30AM-10.30AM @ Blackbox (?)

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Meeting 8th March 2010

Location: Yellow Box
Agenda: Improv scene 1 to 7 with new set (movable beds)
Attendence: Full and on time.

Pointers:
1) Baby needs to have a more grotesque and stiff physicality+ innocent voice needs to juxtapose phy
2) Mug- Work on the old man walk, esp when raising walking stick. + Needs to change lines to make sure he is understood and has some sort of layers to his character.
3) Gwak- She transforms herself to fit the role that she wasnts to play + Her actions, walk, talk are all exaggerated and are greatly affected by her mood.

Changes:
1) Interaction scene is no longer in a straight line, revert back to horseshoe.
2) Position of tables during death scenes (in order)
Baby- Baby bed centre stage + Death desk behind, stage right
Mui Choo- Beds in an I, horizontal back and front are the waves.
Mug- No beds
Gwak- No beds
Sarah- All beds in a horseshoe.

DEADLINES:
Tuesday 9th March- Scripts memorized.
Wednesday 10th March- Subtext done.
3 days a week, Mark and Steph to work on physicality and voice for 30min, under supervision. Time slot to be allocated later.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Sound

Sound is a complicated thing to explain. It's both music and the non-musicality of music at the same time. It's both sound and the inherent beat and rhythm in it. It is the atmosphere and the melody of the atmosphere at the same time.

I think we need to think of a main atmosphere we want for the entire piece so that the soundscape can cohesively come together. I was actually thinking that because we are in the hospital, the sound would be sparse, almost dry but still with it's hint of depth. This plays up the sterility of the situation of the hospital ward, and everything seems to strike at us with the strident cleanliness almost blinding us. The drawback is that it does not say much about the characters.

However, if we want to play up the depth of the music and make sound an integral part, I also have a couple of ideas as well. Using very layered music helps brings out different textures for each character. I'll let you guys listen to some of the stuff by Sigur Ros and the like. I think we can work around that soundscape. Their music/sound is very layered, non-structured, and sometimes almost dream-like. We are in the air with their music.

Another one is Animal Collective or something along those lines. Their music is incredibly visual and industrial. The fast pace could help create a sense of industriality to the production. We can also play around with the beat etc. However, I'm still not sure if it's exactly applicable since most of their music is also in a major key. i.e. It's pretty happy music.

The other option is to really have a chorus of noises. Whispers, grinding of machines, echoes, reverberating tones, ECG pulses, beeping machines, the wind etc. It's difficult but it's the most flexible. However, the danger is that we do not let it shape our performance. It becomes an IT thing that is just there to fill in empty gaps. I believe the sounds should push us, prompt us in some way for our actions and the way we are.

Just a couple of thoughts here.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Baby reanalysis

Function of Character

In relation to DV, I have never experienced life before so I appreciate and want it so badly because I have lost it due to circumstance. Towards logical answers, I ask questions. Towards questions people try to logically solve, I give the most simplest answer. And I guess the simplest answers are the correct ones. My logic goes in line with fairytales, not with books. I have no chance to regret because I have not lived.

Why I am in purgatory - because of people like gwak who scares me about the world
Why I want to live - I want to see colours, feel the warmth of the sun, smell the flowers of spring and the morning dew on grass. I want to feel the breeze through my hair. I want to play with snowman and see all the beautiful things of the earth.
Revelation- Mug talks to me about life. That even though it can be sour, it is only with a mixture of tastes that makes it delicious and worth living for. So my fear of the bad things of living is gone and I even look forward to sour moments combined with the sweet things of life.

My take on each character

Sarah - She always seems uptight, like she's so close to looking for something but cannot grasp it. She has lots of books but none of them have pictures. I wonder what they are about. I think she can be my teacher since she has the most books from earth - which usually means she treasures them. Thus, i conclude that she must know and love knowledge. Which probably means she is the most knowledgeable.

Mui Choo - She is my mum. I seek her for motherly love because I have never experienced it before. She takes care of me and answers my questions. I wonder why she did not let her baby live. There are probably a lot of babies who don't get to live, like me. I think Mui Choo will know why. she said she was really scared to the point where she forgot to love. I cannot understand but maybe i will soon.

Death - He took me to where I am now. He is quite kind, he comforts me and tries to tell me why things happen. He is quite scary too. He just sits there and waits for us to make a decision on where to go so he can bring us.

Mug- He gets into nervous fits/ fits in general. Even though I do not know why he is like that, I know he is feeling bad and frustrated inside. So I comfort him sometimes. Although I feel that he is weird compared to the rest, he actually made me realise that life is nice not because it is sweet but because it has a mixture of flavours that makes it so rich.

Gwak - She is one scary person. She shouts half the time and scares me. I don't really believe her when she says that the world has no love, and is not worth living for. But there must be some truth to what she says, or else, why would she and EVERYBODY not want to live?

New Character Analysis for Mug

Name: Mug

Age: 800 years

Occupation: (forgotten) God of Wisdom

Aim: To be worshiped and remembered.

Obvious characteristics: Self-centered, confused, forgotten, ignored. Stuck in the hunger to retain lost glory and dignity, to be worshipped again. Now powerless.

Background: I came to the earth as people of that time sought to find solace in life. People searched for wisdom as they flocked to the temples which at that time were high as the moon, the stars. People looked up to me, prayed to me, worshipped me. I was God. This all happened about 800 years ago when the world was still apart. When the gods didn't cross paths. I was God. The people fed me and I was what they lived for. I gave back. I imparted many pieces of advice and precautions to my worshippers. Then came these people from the west. People I've never seen before. People with skin which's colour was so sickly I wanted to comfort them and give them shelter. At first, they were students. People studying our ways, our life. People who studied me. Then they became teachers, then destroyers. They preached against me. Pointed fingers at me. Set fires on me. The land was no longer united and everything was crumbling. Before I knew it, the temples were desecrated. My treasures looted. Pillars were shattered. The foundations were gone. The people were separated. I fled. I crumbled. Here I am.

Regret: My one regret was that I let it slip from my hands. The power and glory I once had is now but a distant memory. The only prayers that come in come from schools. Exam halls. Youngsters searching for answers. Endlessly seeking. Yet it is knowledge they find. There is no wisdom. I regret letting wisdom die. Here in purgatory, I try to instill the wisdom into the people here. As I crumble further, I hope my final days will be fruitful, like the fig tree in the garden. If I can make at least one person feel wisdom for once again, and if I can make people worship the value of wisdom, I would be back. And I wouldnt crumble. Rather than being a wind-up toy people only use when they need to.

Realisation: I realise that perhaps I should just let go if it all. I'm not going to get my life of a God back. Maybe I'll make a bigger difference as a man.

Disability: As stated above, I need to be wound up. As I move, I lose control over parts of myself. I crumble. My movements are stacato, like all my joints are rusted and need a large amount of energy and force to move them. I use my walking stick as a means of getting around, having already lost the function of my left foot. As I diminish in importance and my usefulness dies, I become more and more dead. Until the next person winds me up, I'll forever be asleep.

Meeting on 5th March

Location: School Black Box.
Time: 7 to 9 pm
Agenda: Practise scenes 1 to 7
Ask Miss N for comments

Improvements:
1) Beginning
- Up the energy
- Have one liner flashes from each character?
- Add soundscape
- Try Adam and Eve puppetry ASAP
- Think about WHAT the connection is bet the story of adam and eve and the play. They regretted leaving the place, not the actions they had performed. Is that what we are going to be playing on? Will our charcters be regreting leaving earth and not being able to live anymore or will they regret their actions and wrongdoings (the product of which was them leaving the world)?
2) Lights- For death scenes, MIX it with red light, don't make it completely red.
3) Rhythm- For the group as a whole, fr the individual, for the respective interaction scenes.
4) Set
- Beds now on wheels! Will be used to create the locations of the characters death scenes.
- No beds for death scenes?
- Use beds as prison, cliff, etc... for death scenes
- Bedsheets used as water for MC death scene?
5) Costume- Squishy shoes for Mui Choo
6) Physicality
-MC- Ask pregnant ladies WHERE they feel the aches and pains.
- Gwak- Don't fall into stereotypes (eg-crazy, bubbly). Look at neurological disorders or hyperactivity.
- Sarah- Add the disability of hanving hands tied to rods so cant fold them in EVER?
- Mug- Crubles when touched?
- Baby- roll all the time? never crawls?

HOMEWORK
1) Work on your physicality, practise it, do the necessary research and bring the props you need for the next session.
2) Contacts for set- Rachel, Mark and Steph, contact the ppl you have in your list. Get back to me on 9th (Tuesday)
3) Adam and Eve- Can we still use it? Does it have the same meaning our play is hoping to give?
4) Script- Any problems with it? Mug revise your part to make it deeper and more understandable.
5) Death scens- With the new set that we created, how would you like your death scene to be portrayed?
6) BRING a bedsheet and pillow for yourself, next rehersal.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Sarah: Character Analysis

Name: Sarah

Occupation: Student JC2

Aim: Pursue a career in medicine.

Background: I was born into a very poor family, and as if two children weren’t enough, my mother had three more after me. My elder brother could not give a crap about working or providing for the family. I think it runs within the family because my father ran away from the family 8 years ago because he could not take the ‘pressure’. MY younger siblings are the least bothered with helping out at home, and seem to place my brother and father on pedestals as their role models. Very soon, I expect that they will be kicked out of school because they are just too rebellious and refuse to study. I tried to bring them up the right way, but tell me, how a teenager like me can raise three children in addition for having to provide for the home and take care of it too. I don’t have a mother, but in place of it I have a new sister, a very cynical, whiney, moody and lazy one at that! All my ‘mother’ does all day is sit and laze around at home. I try to get her jobs, but the next day she tells me that she’s been kicked out or that she just didn’t like it there! You think I like my life? NO! This is precisely why I ended it.

Personality: Surprisingly I’m not the angry rebellious type that some people would expect. I do get angry, but I keep it all inside me because it really would not make a difference if I voiced it out because no one gives a damn. I’m just too tired to be angry really. To tired to feel anything and too tired to do anything to make a change because I have tried so many times and failed over and over again.

Why I killed myself: My “A” level examinations were right around the corner and I was trying really hard to do well and try to secure a scholarship to go on to university. Just a few days before they began, my younger siblings contracted hand foot and mouth disease. We had no money for a doctor so I had to stay by their side night and day to monitor their situation and to try out every possible method I knew to cure them. Mother was busy at ‘work’, or at least that is what she claimed to be doing, and my brother decided that he needed money more desperately than I did, and so robbed me .LITERALLY! That was IT! There was no way I could get a scholarship, no way that I could get a loan, no way that I could manage to pay for university, and no one I could talk or scream to. It was like I was a robot that no one cared about as long I performed my functions. I didn’t know what I had left to live for because I had no future. I didn’t want to grow up a bitter woman; neither did I want to grow up in that dump of a house with my so called ‘family’. Death seemed like the most welcoming option.

Why I chose to hang myself: Its really quite simple- I didn’t have money to buy pills or drugs, and I didn’t want to slit my wrists or cut myself because I don’t really welcome the sight of blood. Moreover, hanging is a 100% way of dying because there is almost no way of it failing on you. So there it is…

What I regret: Acting impulsively. I should have rationalized the situation and thought of the pros and cons and the other possible options I had besides killing myself. I was just too overwhelmed with emotions that I could not think straight!
I regret not being able to fulfill the destiny that I had planned out for myself. I never reached the goal that I had worked my whole life to achieve. I was a failure, just like my mother and siblings. I was one of them and that disgusts me!

How do you show this regret?
My neck is a painful reminder of the stupid irrational mistake that I made. I can’t move it as I did before; I’m no longer in control. That’s a very odd position for me to be in and I’m still trying to get used to this handicap.

Do I get over my regret and move on?
No. I haven’t had the time to think about it. Yes, I still have the science student mind of rationalization, so every decision that I make must make sense. On one hand I do want to live again because I loved life, and who knows maybe this time ill get a better family! But I think at this point I’m just too scared of the unknown future, too scared to live again because the past and the mistakes that came along with it are just too fresh. I need more time to think, more time to lay out my options, and I think most importantly, I need time to heal the wounds that I came into purgatory with.

Monday, March 1, 2010

GUAKAWAKAWEENA'S RE-analysis

Name: GUAKAWAKAWEENA
Ambition: Famous Painter
Occupation: ARTS student
How did you die: i chopped off my right hand and i bleed to death
Family r/ship: Not supportive mom and dad. no siblings. i was a lonely person who had no one to talk to and no one to get advice from. i thought the world was bleak, cause my parents refused to talk or give me money to further my dream.
Friends: people around me always thought i was an oddball so i guess they kept a distance and i had not immediate close friends. the person i loved most, who encouraged me in my dreams was my grandmother, but she died 2 weeks before i did. i guess after her support ended, i also had nothing to live for.
Personality: i want to catch people's attention so naturally, i'm a loud person. i like to emulate artsy people who are flamboyant in their speaking and mannerism. also, i try to get along with everyone so i can have more friends. i keep my feelings to myself and i don't like to confide in people, yes, i know, trust issues. i like to explode because of all the suppressed emotions.

What exactly do you regret?

1) Killing myself. it was not my intention to kill myself when i cut off my hand, i just wanted to get rid of the one thing that constantly hounds at me and makes me feel inferior and insignificant. i bled to death before i knew it.
2) My dream was to be a famous painter and have all my artwork published in recognised museums all over the world. in my quest for this however, i was faced with many obstacles, my parents and friends were adamant that i go to the science stream as they thought they'll be a better future for me there. as a result, i had no support for my aspirations and people all around me were pressuring me to quit something i loved a lot. i coundn't handle the stress and all the rejection letters sent to me i killed myself. i regret that i had not pesevered and lived to see my goals achieved.

How do you show this regret?

Physicality- Missing right arm. When i move my right arm, i am overcome with pain, a constant reminder of what i was missing. i forget at times that my right hand is gone and numerous attempts were made to paint and do normal and daily stuff with my right hand, to comic failure. as a result, i am forced to stumble/fumble around with my left hand. my painting is also now ugly and i feel angry at myself all the time.

Object- A special paintbrush that i keep with me at all times to remind me of all the things that i had miss because of my foolish deed.

Character- Outgoing facade to hide the anger at myself for doing somwthing that i will regret forever. i seem to hate living because it reminds me of all the things i had forgone.

What is your realization? What triggers it?

I guess all the time i spend in purgatory has made me think about my actions and how i could have done something better, instead of killikng myself. however, i don't want to move on because i'm scared that i will still be deformed, that i can't paint, i'm sacred of life and i don't want to live again, the anger is still there, as well as the hunger, which i can't seem to satisfy.

The trigger is baby and sarah. i had scared baby of life but the way that baby is so determined to live is something that touched my heart. i considered living again too, or moving on. When Sarah came, i did was instantly reminded of myself, because we are so close in age. i come to realise that you know, i did have a choice, i don't want to live here forever, not being, not satisfied, not full. a bad life is better than a screwed up death.

What is this new thing that you want?

I want to live again. i want to be able to paint, i want to be full.

How are you going to get it?

Take a leap of faith, stop staying here, in limbo. Follow where Death takes me and hope to GOD i remeber my mistakles so i don't make them again.

What are the changes you undergo after this realization?

i guess the determination and courage to seek the unknown, to move on. i am not weight down and scared of my disability anymore. i embrace it and hope for the best. i also am not so fake happy anymore because now i have a purpose, a direction in life. i hope to convince the rest of them to move on too. not stay here and remain hungry.

Do you get rid of your handicap? How? What is your handicap?

Not being able to use my right hand. i guess after all this, i have come not to hate it, maybe to see it as a scar that i would proudly wear, embrace the fatc that i cannot use it again. it does not heal when i'm in purgatory though, i hope in my new life, or wherever i'm going, i will remember and appreaciate my hand and go for my dreams, be it with support or not. it is important to believe in myself and persevere.

Can you make you handicap more grotesque?
Yes. Blood veins all around my amputated arm, with blood spilling out of it whenever i try to move it. because i lost a lot of blood, also, my face can be sheet white and pale to the point of ghostly.

New Character Analysis for Muichoo

Mui Choo
Age: 37 years old
D.O.Death: 1960s
Job: Pub waitress / Prostitute ("I work as waitress, but money also come from men. No time to marry. Some men don't mind who they sleep with.")
Obvious traits: Low educated. Simple minded / ignorant. Very Chinese-y. Hungry for love and escape and probably, second chances. Got abused by some of her customers but have to go with it. Got severely abused by her baby's dad.

New stuff about her:
I thought that I've found true love in the end but apparently, he turned out to be just another bastard. He got me pregnant and didn't want to marry me. When he's drunk, he will hit me and abuse me. Even when I'm pregnant, he forces me to have sex with him. He'll flirt and find other women in front of me. I've been with him for more than a year already. For the first few months, he was really sweet and gentle to me. I really thought that he might be different from all the other customers I've seen. He felt like he was the guy I once loved a long time ago, he reminded me of him. That's why I gave him a chance to get my love. In the end, he abused me till I had no choice but to kill myself. I can't bear to see my body with all those bruises and the baby that was created by him inside of me.

Why I regret:
I regret killing myself because I killed a baby, it's another new life that could have lived. I knew there were other methods of escaping that fate without having to kill myself. Also, who's left to take care of my sickly mother? My brother and sister are still young and incapable of providing for the family. What if my sister went to do what I did? I'll be harming her future! I had been irresponsible when I killed myself and I regret it.

Updates for Muichoo

Regret
What do I exactly regret:
I regret killing myself - especially when I've got my baby inside. I regret giving up on life when I know that I can start afresh. I regret taking up this job because I cannot find true love with this kinda job.
How do I show it:
Script. Scenes where Muichoo communicates with Baby shows how regretful she is over killing herself and her baby. In the new scene with Guak & Sarah, Muichoo can show her regret by encouraging Guak & Sarah to move on and let go of their regret?
Actions. I always look/touch/hug Baby as if she's my own baby. I behave like I'm her Mamma.

Realization
My realization:
I realized that I shouldn't be held back by my regret and should live my life again.
The 'new' thing that I want:
True love. I want to start my own family. I want a proper life. I want to be a good Mamma. I want a loving husband.
After this realization, the changes I'll go through:
I'll become more optimistic? I'll encourage others to let go of their regret (S13 with Guak & Sarah) and tell them to be brave and move on! Things doesn't change unless you do something about it.

Disability
My disability:
I need to be wearing the hospital breathing mask all the time or else I will stop breathing and have spasms. When I take it off to speak, I'll have heavy breathing and it'll only last for 1 minute (?). Can include moments where I speak too much till I'm going to have spasms.
Do you get rid of your handicap?:
Possibly. Towards the end, I can speak for a longer time without much heavy breathing. It shows I've let go of my regret that used to be holding me back.
More grotesque?:
My looks? Smudged makeup with scars of being abused. But that's not really considered as disability. Maybe I can roll my eyes up when I'm having spasms, like as if I'm "possessed" :D